to: ants
from: jocelyn and rob

This is just to let you know that tampering with other people’s mail is a federal offense.

It is a crime to walk, dance, or hold raves on mail intended for anyone but yourself.

It is furthermore uncool for you to sneak into other people’s envelopes and read the contents aloud while snickering then act all nonchalant and suspiciously busy with “other things” when the addressees open the mailbox door.

Likewise, ordering items from catalogues addressed to others as if you are them is a form of identity theft and is not appreciated no matter how nice those products turn out to be. (That set of watermelon flavored patio furniture is certainly unique, but, come on — those shipping fees?)

If riding a piece of mail as if it is a surfboard is your way of infiltrating our home so that you can walk in confident diagonal paths across our kitchen counter, just know that we applaud your ingenuity. But we don’t like it.

Finally, our mail box is private property and we do not welcome squatters. We do, however, understand the urge to hold meetings and/or parties in clubhouse settings i.e. tree houses (and in your case, elevated mail receptacles) so we are willing to negotiate a rental agreement.

Please get back to us via mail at your earliest convenience.