how to get poison ivy

Poison Ivy

Getting Poison Ivy is easy! Just follow these 10 steps:

  1. To get a poison ivy (or poison oak, or poison sumac) rash, the first thing you need to do is not live in a city. Move to the country, or the suburbs, at least, where there is a nice green-to-cement ratio.
  2. When you notice that the previous owners of your new house left behind a spray bottle of Poison Ivy Killer in your basement, pause momentarily and say to yourself: “That must mean there is poison ivy around these parts.” Then, don’t give it another thought.
  3. Undertake a clean-up project in the part of your yard that has become far more wild and jungle-like since you moved in.
  4. Make sure you tackle this project in your skimpiest bikini, or speedo, or if you are feeling really motivated: naked. Whatever you do, do not wear gloves, shoes, or socks. (Note: this is also an excellent way to attract deer ticks.)
  5. Remain unclear about exactly what poison ivy looks like. Remember vaguely that it has three leaves, but notice that almost every plant you are pulling out of the ground (then rolling around in) fits that description.
  6. Schedule your clean-up project on the hottest day of the year. This way, when you wipe the sweat off your brow, you can transfer the poison ivy oil from your hands to your face. While you’re at it, run your hands thoroughly all over your body as if you are applying sunscreen or some kind of soothing lotion. (You will need lots of practice at this in order to get through the next few weeks.)
  7. Along these same lines, take a shower immediately, so that water can carry the poisonous oil to any part of your body that you missed previously.
  8. Be patient: poison ivy doesn’t show up immediately. Trust that the painful, itchy blisters will appear soon enough.
  9. One final note on timing your outbreak so that it has the most impact: schedule it so that the rash is at its most raging during your wedding, an important business meeting, or your high school reunion.
  10. When your poison ivy rash clears up completely, repeat above.

Now get out there and good luck! If you have any of your own helpful hints to contribute, please leave a comment below.

10 replies

  1. Recommendation: Based on your horticultural history, buy all your mushrooms at the supermarket – don’t add anything you find in the backyard to a salad.

  2. Inner wrists and arms are another fun place to direct your poison ivy — be sure to scratch raw so they look like track marks and suicide attempts.

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