how to pass your time on the Tappan Zee Bridge

tappan zee bridge gray
Are you waiting to believe in a new Tappan Zee Bridge until you actually see it? Even if it does come to fruition, we probably all have just a few more trips to take across the current one. In the mean time, here are some ways to make that turtle-paced crawl more endurable. In fact, with these simple tools, you may even begin to look forward to your stay on the Tapp.

1. Utilizing a cellular phone and a hands-free device, speed-dial the numbers of everyone you know. Once someone makes the mistake of picking up, babble about inanities for far to long, even though she’s right in the middle of something i.e. work, getting ready for work, or bathing her two year-old twins. After all, you’re lonely and you’ve got a few hours to kill.

2. Roll down your window and introduce yourself to the driver next to you. Even if he’s engaged in activity #1 (above), flail your arms as if it’s an emergency. When he gives you his attention, say, “Hi. Traffic’s pretty rough today, huh?” When he inches forward just far enough so that you’re out of his earshot, repeat the process with the driver on the other side of you.

3. Combine deep, cleansing breaths with positive thoughts. Think, for example, about kittens playing with a ball of yarn. Whatever you do, don’t think about that bridge that fell in Minnesota a few years ago.

4. Plan to start your own grassroots “New MTA Train Line on the Bridge” campaign, funded largely by bake sales. Of course, you don’t realistically have time to organize it, let alone bake your heart out, because you spend all your time on the current Tappan Zee.

5. Use the mirror on the back of your visor to investigate The Pore Situation. Are your pores getting bigger or is your face is getting smaller?

6. Try to come up with the perfect formula for combating early morning sun glare: sunglasses + car visor + baseball cap + blind fold. If all else fails, close your eyes.

7. Calculate just how hard it would be to swim across the river. After all, you did take swimming lessons as a kid and they do make all kinds of fabric nowadays that claim to “wick” moisture away. Surely you could be dry by the time you get to work.

8. Eat. Always pack an XL cooler full of trip treats. It has been scientifically proven that nothing passes the time more effectively than caramel corn, caramel apples and caramels. Napkins recommended.

9. Imagine that you live in one of those fabulous houses overlooking the water. Though your life is already just fine, feel certain that it would be better in every conceivable way if you had a wall of windows to the Hudson. Then again, you’d also have to look at the Tappan Zee and all its construction…and don’t you see that enough already?

Good luck. And see you on the bridge.

(Note: Similar techniques can be applied to many busy bridges across the country.)

14 replies

  1. I will bake brownies, cookies and cakes for #4. There should be a train if they are going to all that trouble no doubt. This is funny!

  2. Ever notice the similarity in the words troll & toll? I think the New Tap should give discounts if you pay in magic beans.

  3. O’ the Ta Pan Zee. The many times I have sat there and prayed to move. Watched a sunset, called my mother in law:-) Did my manicure. Tried not to fall asleep. Cleaned the glove compartment. Started driving with my left foot. Fought with my brother from the frustration of it all. Must admit, I look forward to the days when the bridge is finished even though I do not cross it much now. :-))

  4. It’s now much cheaper to commute to the city via Tappan Zee than GWB. So I’m on the bridge all the time now. I may have to print this out and tape it to my visor!

    • I know, we have to take out a second mortgage just to afford these bridges now! I can make you an “audio book” for you of this if you would like, ha!

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