To: Fitted Sheet
Okay, I think you know why I am writing: Because you continue to be difficult, unreasonable, and completely uncooperative. Contrary to your previous claims that I have quote “anger issues,” I have asked nicely on several occasions for you to be more of a team player. I now see that I must further clarify my concerns and expectations.
1. First of all, I have asked you to provide a Users Manual, since it is impossible to tell your longs from your shorts. If you let me know which are your ends and which are your sides, I won’t subject you or myself to that hour-long, extremely spastic trial and error session. I also promise to cut back on the abusive expletives.
2. Cut me some slack, literally. I sprained my body trying to pull that last corner around the mattress. (And I am a seasoned tug-of-war champion from the legendary 1979 team of the Grade School Recess Olympics.) Even the body builder I hired to complete the job refused to attempt that final corner, due to reasons of liability.
3. Finally, I want to let you know that I have, for the time-being, made my last attempt at actually folding you: I formerly considered this an act of respect, but I am no longer convinced that you deserve it. At the advisement of my therapist, my lawyer, and my house chore consultant, I will now simply be taking you from the clothes dryer and scrunching you into a little ball before stuffing you into your designated spot in the linen closet. (After all, this is pretty much how it turns out even when I try to fold you.) If you find this offensive, then so be it. Perhaps if you reconsider your stance on parts 1 and 2, we can renegotiate.
Note that if you continue to be defiant, we may contract the services of a flat sheet. This fold and tuck method (as opposed to the elastic technology) seems to be the preference of many high-end hotels. This is not only offered in the spirit of full disclosure but also as a direct threat.
Thank you in advance for your immediate cooperation.