memo to the fitted sheet


To: Fitted Sheet

From: Jocelyn

Okay, I think you know why I am writing: Because you continue to be difficult, unreasonable, and completely uncooperative. Contrary to your previous claims that I have quote “anger issues,” I have asked nicely on several occasions for you to be more of a team player. I now see that I must further clarify my concerns and expectations.

1. First of all, I have asked you to provide a Users Manual, since it is impossible to tell your longs from your shorts. If you let me know which are your ends and which are your sides, I won’t subject you or myself to that hour-long, extremely spastic trial and error session. I also promise to cut back on the abusive expletives.

2. Cut me some slack, literally. I sprained my body trying to pull that last corner around the mattress. (And I am a seasoned tug-of-war champion from the legendary 1979 team of the Grade School Recess Olympics.) Even the body builder I hired to complete the job refused to attempt that final corner, due to reasons of liability.

3. Finally, I want to let you know that I have, for the time-being, made my last attempt at actually folding you: I formerly considered this an act of respect, but I am no longer convinced that you deserve it. At the advisement of my therapist, my lawyer, and my house chore consultant, I will now simply be taking you from the clothes dryer and scrunching you into a little ball before stuffing you into your designated spot in the linen closet. (After all, this is pretty much how it turns out even when I try to fold you.) If you find this offensive, then so be it. Perhaps if you reconsider your stance on parts 1 and 2, we can renegotiate.

Note that if you continue to be defiant, we may contract the services of a flat sheet. This fold and tuck method (as opposed to the elastic technology) seems to be the preference of many high-end hotels. This is not only offered in the spirit of full disclosure but also as a direct threat.

Thank you in advance for your immediate cooperation.

Categories: Shelter

Tagged as: , , ,

17 replies

  1. “sprained my body”…Priceless.

    Next up: toilet paper holder ejects into space when you try to change roll.

  2. Have you ever tried to get a fitted sheet on the top mattress of a bunk bed?It is so difficult that I only change the sheets once a year,just kidding…But it really is quite a skill,it involves a lot of strength and flexibility and coordination…hmmm sounds like being able to make a bed and being a skater are very similar

  3. Crib sheets bring a whole ‘nother dimension to the fitted sheet drama. Many stupid parents (self included) put a “bumper” around the inside edge of the crib to protect the precious little darling’s head from bumping the bars. It must be tied to the bars of the crib with dozens of short little strings (short so they won’t entangle and choke baby, and dozens because they are short and don’t hang on all that well). OK, it’s time to change the sheet, b/c it’s got poo on it! Take your fitted crib-sized mattress cover (b/c it’s probably wet and has to be changed pretty much every time the sheet is changed) and bend over the edge of the crib. Try to work the damn thing around the stupid bumper. Get your weight lifter friend (who must also have long, thin fingers with a vise grip to reach around the bars) to help you. Now, once you have finished the mattress cover, repeat the entire process with the fitted sheet, and you will discover that you need not ever turn on your TV to teach your little ones a wide range of gloriously colorful expletives in multiple languages. Oh, yeah, did I mention this always has to be done at 3:00 am with an infant screaming at you at the top of their lungs?

  4. I’m considering throwing a tarp over the mattress, instead of wrestling with a fitted sheet. With the right comforter, it might pass as a bed skirt in low light situations. If you’re nearsighted or wearing a veil.

  5. I think Martha Stewart should hold a “Fold the fitted sheet competition” she’s the only person who is obsessed with how to fold it. I followed her directions once or twice, but always forget the next time I am folding sheets. Oh Martha!

    • ha! yes! I watched a video (in the comments, above) and I still couldn’t figure it out! The truth is that me and the folded sheet are in a stalemate – I’m not sure even Martha could mediate…thanks for reading!

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