I was wondering: Why-o-why do all my flowers die? Why do all the weeds I pull grow right back? And what about those bulbs I planted – nothing ever appeared! Alas, I have finally figured out that it’s because…I didn’t have these:
Glamour Gardening Gloves! (a.k.a. the other 3G)
These were purchased during a crazy splurge at my local supermarket (1.99 plus tax). For those of you who might not think these are all that glamorous, I offer up an old and handy adage (pun intended): Everything’s relative. Because this is what I was wearing before, one size fits all:
How was I supposed to get anything accomplished in those? After all, I was voted “Best Dressed” in my high school long long ago. Of course I can’t work under those conditions.
Just look at these formerly pretty primrose already failing under my supervision (purchased recently at the Nyack Garden Club’s flower show, quite possibly the cutest/coolest event I have ever attended):
But now that I’m 3G, here’s what you can expect:
- The flowers on our property will bloom with great speed and cover a very wide area. This is what “3G” promised for phones, so I have no reason to expect less in this situation.
- Out of respect, weeds will leap out of the ground and straight into the wheelbarrow, saying, “Obviously gloves that snazzy shouldn’t have to touch us!”
- Jazz hands, lots of jazz hands. After all, ever since we learned that legendary choreographer Bill T. Jones lives nearby, I have been dancing with abandon in our yard on a regular basis, in the hopes of “getting discovered.” With 3G at my fingertips, this is sure to happen sooner rather than later.
- Formerly somewhat stand-offish, I will begin to wave to more passersby. I will do so slowly and with great dignity, a la the Queen of England.
- Impressed by the remarkable change in our landscape, gardeners for miles around will try to get their hands on (in) a pair of these magical gloves. When the A&P runs out (hurry! only two pairs left), there could be riots. Consequently, I will be forced to keep them in a safety deposit box at all times.
So, as you can see, if you don’t go 3G soon, you are sure to get left behind. Before you know it, it will be time to upgrade to 4G – Glittery Glamour Garden Gloves (just humor me, okay?)
And by the way, speaking of lawns, weeds, and lawns boasting extra-hardy weeds, have you seen this TruGreen ad? Pretty funny.