Go 3G: Glamour Gardening Gloves

I was wondering: Why-o-why do all my flowers die? Why do all the weeds I pull grow right back? And what about those bulbs I planted – nothing ever appeared! Alas, I have finally figured out that it’s because…I didn’t have these:

glamorous gardening gloves

Glamour Gardening Gloves! (a.k.a. the other 3G)

These were purchased during a crazy splurge at my local supermarket (1.99 plus tax). For those of you who might not think these are all that glamorous, I offer up an old and handy adage (pun intended): Everything’s relative. Because this is what I was wearing before, one size fits all:

old gardening gloves

How was I supposed to get anything accomplished in those? After all, I was voted “Best Dressed” in my high school long long ago. Of course I can’t work under those conditions.

Just look at these formerly pretty primrose already failing under my supervision (purchased recently at the Nyack Garden Club’s flower show, quite possibly the cutest/coolest event I have ever attended):


But now that I’m 3G, here’s what you can expect:

  • The flowers on our property will bloom with great speed and cover a very wide area. This is what “3G” promised for phones, so I have no reason to expect less in this situation.
  • Out of respect, weeds will leap out of the ground and straight into the wheelbarrow, saying, “Obviously gloves that snazzy shouldn’t have to touch us!”
  • Jazz hands, lots of jazz hands. After all, ever since we learned that legendary choreographer Bill T. Jones lives nearby, I have been dancing with abandon in our yard on a regular basis, in the hopes of “getting discovered.” With 3G at my fingertips, this is sure to happen sooner rather than later.
  • Formerly somewhat stand-offish, I will begin to wave to more passersby. I will do so slowly and with great dignity, a la the Queen of England.
  • Impressed by the remarkable change in our landscape, gardeners for miles around will try to get their hands on (in) a pair of these magical gloves. When the A&P runs out (hurry! only two pairs left), there could be riots. Consequently, I will be forced to keep them in a safety deposit box at all times.

So, as you can see, if you don’t go 3G soon, you are sure to get left behind. Before you know it, it will be time to upgrade to 4G – Glittery Glamour Garden Gloves (just humor me, okay?)

And by the way, speaking of lawns, weeds, and lawns boasting extra-hardy weeds, have you seen this TruGreen ad? Pretty funny.

10 replies

    • Two words: polka dots.

      FYI: I had hot pink overalls when I was in grade school. One day, something *extremely embarrassing* happened while I was wearing them. There is a story, but I will let the suspense build…

  1. If you get a pair of ruby red slippers, maybe you can just tap your heels together and the wind will pick up and rake the leaves for you in the fall.

  2. Ha! Jazz hands! In the front yard! Soooo funny. I’ve been teaching my 3-year-old nephew jazz hands since the day he was born, much to the dismay of his parents. 🙂

    And that flower show sounds awesome! Hooray for primrose! Good thing you’ve got your 3G’s to keep them going. My current gloves are the equivalent of a mile-high 1999 cell phone with pull-out antenna.

    • Oh, your gloves sound glamorous in their own way – very vintage – I would expect nothing less 🙂

      Jazz hands: you are a good influence on the youth – now I know what I’m going to do the next time I see my nephew (5 yrs old)!

  3. Yes, you are doing great with the gloves…but what about BOOTS? you also need those funky pattern multicolor waterproof boots that are on sale everywhere now. And they add a lot to the lawn dance.

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