In case you ever have an infestation* of stink bugs,** allow me to share some hard-earned wisdom with you.
* Infestation consists of at least one sighting.
** Stink bugs, a.k.a Pentatomidae, are shaped like a shield and apparently emit a smell of rancid almonds if disturbed/squashed/or in any way hindered in their slow crawl across your couch.
1. First and foremost, proceed with caution. These are essentially the skunks of the insect world. In other words, upon seeing one, do not screech or flail your arms spasmodically. This could result in agitation and therefore stench.
2. Be complimentary. As in: “My, what a gallant and dignified creature you are – to which Order of Knights do you belong?”
3. Act interested. “So, I presume you’re residing in the attic. What, pray tell, brings you down to the living room?”
4. A little bit of graciousness and hospitality go a long way: “Thank you so much for stopping by. May I invite you to take a look at our lovely front door? From the outside?”
5. Distract with flattery: “That is my infant son you are walking toward. He is a young human, unable to greet you with the respect you deserve. He does not yet know how to shake hands, bow, or salute. Might I therefore suggest that you take your explorations in the opposite direction?”
6. Finally, if all else fails, resort to the kindly escort. “Can I, by any chance, interest you in a ride on this nice envelope containing a Citibank bill while encased in this clean glass, through which you can see many wonderful sights, including our entrance hall and our front porch?”
If he refuses this offer, then pick up your helpless child without visibly panicking, or, eh hem…”making a stink,” and flee to another room, or another house, or another country, whichever makes most sense at the time.
Are stinkbugs taking over your house and your life? Have you ever squashed one? Do they really smell that bad? Have any other insects or spiders had the nerve to come near your baby?