It has recently come to our attention that a “local parent” has been foisting her inexplicable fascination with garden gnomes onto her young son. Because we are hard-hitting journalists specializing in breaking news of a…gnomey nature, we decided to go straight to the source — we are proud to announce that we scored an exclusive interview. Our subject is Ian, pictured above, who is now almost six months old, and obviously wise beyond his years.
The Home Tome: Is it true that your mother has been gradually and not so quietly amassing a collection of garden gnomes both inside and outside of her home for a few years now, thereby confusing her friends, family and most of all her devoted husband?
Ian: As per our agreement, I am not going to comment on things that happened before I met her. (*Note: some translating was required.)
THT: Fair enough. We understand that a large national retailer is currently selling onesies featuring the outline of a small yet congenial gnome with the word “hello there” printed beneath. We further understand that as soon as your mother’s friend Fiona tipped off your mother to this fact, your mother dropped everything, and rushed immediately to the mall. We heard that she was frantic and foaming at the mouth.
Ian: I am glad you asked this because I’d like to take this opportunity to clear up some misconceptions. She, in fact, did not “drop everything,” nor did she drop me as some news sources have alleged, but she did arrive at the mall early the next day and was the first customer to enter the store after the door was unlocked. That “foam” on her mouth was just a little mis-directed frappaccino.
THT: Did she proceed to purchase this onesie even though you already own a piece of similar clothing featuring a similar character?
Ian: That is the case. But she procured this second one with the help of a gift card and she led me to believe that this was basically the same as getting it for free.
THT: We have it on good authority that she has even instructed one of her gnomes to mentor you in gnomey ways. Is this the case?
Ian: I cannot deny this.
But it sure beats algebra lessons.
And I schooled him a little bit too.
What do you think? Am I wrong to inflict this
obsession hobby on my son? Okay, maybe don’t answer that…
Hope your own gnomes (garden gnomes, crib gnomes, all kinds of gnomes) are getting a great start to the summer!