1. First, it’s important that you sink into a deep, contented slumber, trusting that all is well with your shelter: the security alarm is set, the baby is asleep, and your tall, strapping husband is in a nearby room viewing yet another Sci-Fi thriller. (This is a predilection of his that you love and yet love to not be a part of).
2. When your husband emits a high-pitched scream, bolt upright.
3. When he calls out your name with panic, resist the urge to angrily shush him. (After all, you have agreed to not speak louder than a whisper once the baby has been put to bed.)
4. Check the video monitor to see if this ruckus has woken the baby. Gaze momentarily at your sleeping bundle with unspeakable adoration before running out to see if your husband is okay.
5. Screech to a halt at the end of the hallway when he tells you that there is a bat flying around the living room. Assume the same duck and cover position he is in. Then peek furtively through your forearms to see a blurry brown creature flying erratically around the room. Though tiny, its pointed wings and sharp fangs make it seem like a gigantic alien monster featured in one of hubby’s sci-fi flicks.
6. Do not flinch when your usually mild-mannered husband starts to bark out orders because, after all he’s frightened. Instead, sprint back down the hall to get the items he is so aggressively requesting: a baseball hat, some gloves and a sheet. He is going to try and catch it.
7. Again, when the hubs commences yelping and hurdling over furniture, do not sush him. Likewise, keep your own nervous laughter at a low volume. Catching that bat will probably prove impossible due the bat’s flying prowess, the bat’s crazy flight patterns and the bat’s evident use of narcotics. Run to get some tape so that the sheet can be hung across the hallway entrance. This will hopefully contain the crazy.
8. Since both of your computers are trapped in the living room with this flying beast, shimmy back to the bedroom in order to consult google via your e-reader. Though most of your information and most of your life decisions are based on knowledge gleaned from google searches, do not believe what you read when it says only one percent of bats are rabid. You are certain that this bat is rabid. On the other hand, gloss over the part where it says that bites from rabid bats are usually fatal, since this is far too terrifying to process even for a pessimist.
9. When your frazzled, wild-eyed husband joins you back in the bedroom, read aloud from an informative website that instructs you to put the porch light on, open the front door, and make clicking or scraping sounds at a point furthest away from the front door. Bats are apparently so sensitive to sound waves that they will basically surf those waves out.
10. Believe it or not, this kooky, anti-intuitive method will actually work on the first try. When it flies right out the front door, look at each other with awe. Hug each other long and hard, thankful that you have your living room back and that you are still alive. Be even more thankful if, after all that, the baby is still asleep.
Be extra thankful that you were able to remove the bat without re-enacting this horrifying scene from The Office:
We have no idea how this scrappy little bugger got in. We fear that where there is one bat, there are more…which is lending an extra spooky mood to our Halloween season. Has this ever happened to you?