In honor of National Coffee Day, I was just wondering if you are drinking too much coffee…Because, you know, I don’t have this addiction myself – oh no no no – but I thought I’d try to help you in case your consumption is getting out of hand. Since the first step is of course realizing you have a problem, you may want to ask yourself the following questions:
Are your hands so jittery they flap faster than hummingbird wings? In fact, when hummingbirds pass you on the street, do they temporarily stop flapping in order to point, laugh, and capture a video they can post on vine?
Can people hear your heart beating from miles away? Do your neighbors regularly call the cops complaining about your “crappy techno music?” But you don’t like crappy techno music and never have?
Did you get a second sink installed in your kitchen that spouts only coffee?
During the rare nights that you fall asleep, do you have dreams about rivers of coffee, walking toward them, kneeling down, and slurping from cupped hands? Do you have similar dreams about caffeinated waterfalls and geysers?
Have your friends attempted an intervention? Did they hold a mirror up to your face so you could see how yellow your teeth have become?
When your friends invite you out for drinks, do you order coffee? Or do you order coffee and a drink? Or worse, do you order a coffee with a drink poured into it?
When you have trouble falling asleep, do you get up and drink a cup of coffee hoping it will give you that extra boost of energy you need to close your eyelids?
Are you planning a trip to Columbia?
Does your child know and accept that Mommy’s ever-present “water” is brown with a slightly pungent aroma?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you are definitely drinking too much coffee. Get some help, already! And by that, I mean, get some more coffee.
*Note that I used a lot of creativity and no personal experience to create this highly-scientific self assessment.
** In honor of National Coffee Day, why don’t you support your local INDEPENDENT coffee house?
Categories: Parenting Humor