a constant state of massage

happy massage toolMy neck? When I make the ill-advised decision to turn my head, it creaks like the rusted-out door of an ancient castle.

My shoulders? Knots as big and dense as boulders.

My feet? I swear, their soles are more bruised and beat-down than that overripe pear I accidentally carried around in the bottom of my messenger bag for three days.

My legs? The ache keeps me awake at night (which is actually good because the strenuous act of sleeping makes my lower back tighten up.)

These are probably the results of having a job where I work on my feet, then running after (and lifting) a toddler, then hunching over my computer for way too many hours attempting to type up a few clever sentences. These are also just a few reasons why I would love to get a massage every day of my life. In fact, my extremely patient husband can attest that, on several occasions I have stated:

“If I ever win the lottery, I want to be in a constant state of massage. Getting massages will be like my new job.”

So it was weird when the NY State Lottery came out with a TV commercial pretty much depicting exactly this. Watch these 31 blissful seconds to see what I mean:

I don’t begrudge the brilliant ad execs who somehow broke into my brain and deftly lifted this idea from it. On the contrary, I see it as an endorsement: I am finally understood! My specific hopes and dreams have at long last been depicted on millions of television screens.

Really, I think everyone should be in a constant state of massage. Wouldn’t this world be better place?

This is why I ask for your support for the following:

1. I have started teaching my 2 year old son how to give me shoulder massages. Want to give Mommy a massage? Sure! Look, he can be whatever he wants when he grows up (a neurosurgeon? rocket scientist? academic superstar in seven fields? inventor of something internet-y that’s even bigger than facebook? no pressure – look how open-minded I am!) BUT I think it’s critical for him as a well-adjusted and well-rounded human to be able to find pressure points and alleviate pinched nerves. (Besides, I have no doubt that this talent, in his hands, will one day earn him the Nobel Peace Prize.)

2. I have started working on the prototype for a full massage suit (forget massage chairs, those are for amateurs) – after all, I’m told that the future is in wearables! My enticing kickstarter announcement will be coming to your inbox soon.

3. Granted, #1 and #2 could take a while. In the meantime, I have decided to spend my birthday next month (which I might otherwise be dreading) getting 14 consecutive massages in a row. I made the call; they’re all booked. My instructions here at home tome headquarters have been clear: no cake, no gifts, just all massage, for an entire day.

(Um, ok, well, maybe if you could pick up a few lotto tickets for me that would be cool too.)

Have you had a massage lately?

(image source)

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