Mother Nature is a powerful and creative woman. She is also extremely moody and has a wicked sense of humor. She expresses these latter personality traits in different ways, depending on where you live in the country. For example, in the northeast quadrant of the country, she might dump piles upon piles of heavy white stuff all over the place. It covers your driveway and quickly makes it impassable. The nice thing is that this gives you a perfectly acceptable excuse to not go to work. The tragedy is that pizza delivery personnel cannot access your house.
You can hope for all this white stuff to melt away (and eventually it will) but, before that, you’re probably going to have suit up in your warmest gear, your ugliest hat, and your waterproof boots in order to move it, one shovel-full at a time. That is, unless you have the good sense to invest in a snowblower. If you think that you’re too hands-on, too un-suburban and just generally too cool to push that contraption around, you’ll just have to learn your lesson the hard way.
Here’s when you’ll know for sure that it’s time:
- Your extensive shovel collection is ruined – all of them have either snapped like matchsticks or bent like cheap spoons.
- You have strained your back to such a degree that lifting only one more snowflake will actually break it.
- The only way to get out to your street is by catapulting yourself from a second floor window.
- Hollywood producers knock on your door and ask if they can film a sequel to The Shining at your house since it looks even more snow-logged and isolated than the hotel in the original movie.
- You haven’t been out to the store in a long time and your rations are depleting: you’re down to four peanuts and a tablespoon of mustard.
- You become delirious and hallucinatory: you look out at your snow-covered driveway and see a green field dotted with sunflowers. A cardinal waves at you and you only snap out of it when you notice that he’s wearing earmuffs.
- Your neighbors have to cross-country ski across your yard to see if you are still alive.
So, is it time?
A version of this previously appeared in The Homeowner’s Guide to Greatness, available at Amazon. For more home tome humor, follow along on Facebook and Twitter.