the corn quiz

the corn quiz

In honor of the start of summer, it’s time to take The Corn Quiz! There are all kinds of picnics, barbecues, and potlucks ahead, and I want you to be ready. Trust me—if you take this quiz, you will learn a lot about yourself. And you will learn a lot about corn.

So let’s begin!

1. Corn on the cob is an excellent source of:

a) butter
b) salt and pepper
c) fiber
d) all of the above

2. Corn on the cob should always be served with:

a) dental floss
b) toothpicks
c) a personal head-tent where you can privately tear into that cob like the butter-chinned monster that you are
d) all of the above

3. The 1984 classic horror flick Children of the Corn is the perfect film to screen at:

a) The National Corn Syrup Convention
b) an intervention for someone who talks way too much about the small farm and homesteading movement
c) a slumber party of nine-year-old boys who are under the misguided impression that they are macho-macho men
d) all of the above

4. What is the second-best version of corn, after corn on the cob?

a) corn bread
b) tortilla chips
c) grits
d) popcorn
e) all of the above, especially if margaritas are involved

5. The term “shucking the corn” is the perfect euphemism for which activity:

a) stripping down at the doctor’s office
b) getting busy
c) chopping watermelon
d) a little bit of “a,” a whole lotta “b,” and are you kidding me with “c”?

6. True or False: The classic 1974 book, Cars and Trucks and Things That Go by Richard Scarry, has an adorable corn car, driven by three pigs, on the upper left-hand corner of page 46.

a) True
b) True

7. Acknowledging that those ubiquitous, yellow, two-pronged corn holders scattered willy-nilly throughout our kitchen drawers are pretty much worthless, what is the best alternative use for them?

a) weaponry
b) pushpins for your next summer or autumn-themed bulletin board
c) picking corn out of your teeth
d) all of the above, simultaneously, like some kind of corn ninja

8. Which of the following is more disgusting:

a) those silky corn hairs you are too lazy to completely remove
b) celery strings that are impossible to fully chew, and eventually turn into a bright green cud you must spit into a paper towel
c) banana tendrils, especially when they drape moistly over your hand
d) all of the above

9. If you ever utter the phrase, “This corn is amazing!” but in your mind you spell it “a-maize-ing,” then you:

a) are a dork
b) know more than one word for corn
c) must be partly Native American
d) none of the above, just don’t ever do that

10. What is the quickest way to cook corn?

a) boil it in water
b) throw it on the grill
c) microwave it
d) Boston Market drive-through, baby!

11. If you discover full, un-chewed kernels of corn in your toddler’s diaper, you should:

a) have a talk with him about chewing his food more slowly and thoroughly
b) have a talk with him about not putting corn in his diaper
c) stop examining the contents of your child’s diaper so closely
d) all of the above

And that, my friends, is The Corn Quiz! What was YOUR score*?

*No actual way of calculating score

A version of this originally appeared on In the Powder Room.

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Categories: Parenting Humor

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