memo to the bumble bees

to: the bumble bees

from: Jocelyn and Rob

We know that you have taken up residence in a hole right where the walkway meets our front garden. We have seen you entering and exiting and also hovering there. This is not an eviction notice and we are cool with you staying on the premises, but we have a number of questions we’d like to ask.

First, how many of you are there? We hate to insult your individuality, but we can’t tell you apart, and according to our best estimates there are at least three of you and possibly as many as 100.

Along those same lines, are you familiar with the clown car gag? If not, this is a skit involving several clowns and one teeny car, usually performed on a television program more whacky than serious in nature. The joke is that there is no logical way so many clowns could possibly fit inside such a small vehicle. As parade of too many clowns either enter or exit the car, it’s hard to tell if this is a trick of the camera or if clowns are magically able to condense themselves when confronted with tight quarters.  This is all to say that we have peered inside this little nest you have created with a flashlight, and we are similarly perplexed.

How exactly did you dig this hole? Was it with your bare hands/paws/wings/pads? (And what exactly is it that you have at the end of your arms/legs?) It seems, frankly, to be quite an impressive undertaking for creatures such as yourselves, without renting a backhoe or at least some shovels. Kudos!

We did some research with the help of a tool named Google. This led us to believe that you are a rather harmless species and will likely not attack us, sting us, or cause us to swell up like Martin Short did in the hilarious bee sting scene in the otherwise mediocre movie, Pure Luck:

Anyway, we hope that you are in fact the peace loving creatures we presume you to be. If you prove to be a danger to us, then we may have to re-visit the concept of eviction.

In fact, the above-referenced research has caused us to refer to you as the “chubbier, friendlier bees.” Does this offend you? We think you are cute, and we would hate for you to develop a complex about your appearance, but we have noticed that you are all rather thick around the middle. (For your information, studies have shown that extra weight around the waistline can increase the chance of heart disease. We’ve noticed also that you are rather slow-moving, which can be an indication of a low energy level possibly related to high cholesterol or increased blood pressure. We are not even sure of your diet and far be it for us to judge you, but you may want to cut back on whatever that is.)

Just curious: why horizontal stripes? Love the black and yellow color combination, but you may want to consider vertical lines, as they are commonly thought to create a more slimming appearance.

Do you speak the same dialect as wasps by any chance? If so, can you tell them they are not welcome in our house? We have attempted to get this message across, but something is obviously getting lost in the translation.

Did you know that human children, especially babies and toddlers, love to dress up as you during Halloween?

Do you guys ever dress up as humans or as anything else on that day? We have time since it’s not even fall yet, but if you need any costume ideas, we can help out – that’s one of our favorite holidays! Oh, here’s a good one: how about wearing grey sweatsuits with the words Good Year printed along your side? You know, like the Good Year blimp? We hear Nyack has a great costume parade – we should all go!

6 replies

  1. Bees, love them all the same but they can sure drive you crazy. Good for flowers, bad for the house. Most combs(is that bears or bees?) are bigger than you’d think, yikes. Oddly, I was stung twice recently(no idea which type of bee) and it only hurt till I put ice on it and froze my leg wounds.

    Happily, still love the donkey ears that bring in all the bees around the house. 🙂

  2. You are lucky to have these guys at your house to pollinate your flowers. There is a national shortage of bees b/c hives are shipped all over the place to pollinate fruit and nut trees and in the process they get diseases which wipe them out.

    • Good point Buzz. I guess we should be letting them do their job rather than taking up their time with memos.

  3. This is brilliant. If you have a chance, I sure would appreciate it if you could send a memo to the demonic fire ants taking up residence on our lawn furniture. Sitting on the porch never hurt so much!

    • I know, what up with ants!!? We had brunch outside Sunday and the ants were under the impression that they were invited. I’ll see what I can do 🙂

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