Are you watching too many shows on the Food Network? How much is too much, anyway? Sometimes it’s difficult to tell. Until recently, I would have suggested that you are watching too much Food Network if you’ve seen the Barefoot Contessa roast a chicken more than 72 times, if Sandra Lee has inspired you to quit your job to pursue a career as a professional table-scape-r, or if you pretend you’re being filmed during every meal you prepare. “Next, take the bread and carefully place it in the toaster…” But now I know that there’s a whole new level of too much Food Network. And this is when it seeps into your subconscious.
If you have had any of the following nightmares, you are definitely, without a doubt, watching too much Food Network:
- You’re hunting for wild boars in the Amazon. You spot one in the distance. You ready your spear, but before you can take aim, he throws something terrifying and spiky at you. It is sure to kill upon impact: it’s Anne Burrell’s hair.
- You’re in charge of delivering a cake in the shape of a flamingo to a client for the Ace of Cakes. It’s balancing on one foot in the back of your Hyundai hatchback. You look back to see if it’s still okay. As soon as you turn your head forward again, you crash into a cement wall.
- Paula Dean rings your doorbell and greets you sweetly. Then she beckons to a helicopter outside dangling a large Savannah-style McMansion from ropes. “Drop her right here, boys!” She is bringing her house to yerzzzz.
- You’re late for class. You’re running through the halls of your high school, trying to find the right room. You’re going to be in big trouble. Finally, you find it. The teacher is Alton Brown and he. is. pissed. What’s worse, you look down and see that you’re naked.
- Bobby Flay expresses an interest, via his assistant, to meet you. Flattered, you invite him to your workplace, which happens to be an ice rink. When he arrives, he laces up, and though he has never had skates on before, he whips off some Triple Axels and some Flying Camel spins that are way better than yours ever were. What’s more, he coaches better than you, too. You are too stunned to throw down any of your own moves.
- You have been chosen to take one of the maiden voyages to a gorgeous new planet. When you land, you discover that all the aliens look exactly like Giada De Laurentiis. Filled with hope, you rummage around in your bag for your mirror: alas, you still look like you. The planet is obviously called, Giada.
- Because you have been working so hard lately, you and your husband have been given a gift certificate for a day of relaxation at a luxurious spa. But when you arrive, it’s actually the Kitchen Stadium set of Iron Chef. Working together, you have 60 frantic minutes to concoct 17 meals from cucumbers, massage oil, and mud. If Iron Chef Masahuru Morimoto composes his dishes better, he will be rewarded with your entire combined life savings.
Like I said, if you experience any of the above, you probably need to make some changes. Maybe it’s time to switch back over to HGTV?
Thanks for reading – when did you know that you were watching too much Food Network?