[In honor of Design/De-sigh-n month, I decided to bust this out: A version of this piece previously appeared on one of my favorite humor sites, yankeepotroast.org, a while back.]
Is it just me or have decorative throw pillows become completely ridiculous? I mean, they’ve always been covered with tassels and scratchy materials, but lately, I’ve noticed far too many sequins, a preponderance of buttons, and fussy frills you wouldn’t dare lean against. I recently saw a pillow that looked to be made of astroturf. Who wants to lay their weary head on that?
I suspect that, like so many things these days, this un-comfortable pillow trend is a result of The Economy. In these troubled, insanely expensive times, we are no longer meant to relax: forget about reposing on the couch – you need to be doing something far more productive with your “free time.” Even though this saddens me, I’ve decided to contribute to this trend by designing my own line of decorative throw pillows that are sure to keep you as far away from the couch as possible.
Of course, all of the following items are extremely costly. But the question is: can you afford not to purchase them?
Broken Mirrors: Composed with shards of broken mirror, you can admire yourself from across the room, on your way out the door. This mirror is far more realistic than the one in your bathroom since it will make you look exactly as fragmented as you feel. And no need to worry about that whole “seven years of bad luck” thing since that seems to be well underway, already. Sold in sizes L and XL depending on how much stress-eating you’ve been doing lately.
Cleats: Perfect for the spacious rec room that seemed like such a good idea before the housing crisis. This sporty design will remind you of your athletic youth, or that time you joined an intramural soccer league, back before you had to work 27 hours per day in order to pay your mortgage. Sold with or without clumps of mud and grass.
Splinter: This pillow harkens your own father and how he used to fancy himself a regular old lumberjack. It’s strange to think that his own career and role as a provider allowed him the time for such extracurricular pursuits. You hated being his assistant, and whined incessantly about the nightly extraction of splinters. But oh how you’d prefer that to the present. Tweezers included.
Fire: Get it while it’s hot! As soon as you put any pressure on this pillow, it spontaneously combusts, creating a warm, cozy glow in your room and filling the air with the sweet scent of singed hair. Though you may have to seek reconstructive surgery, you’ll be delighted to cancel the appointment with your costly hairdresser. Fire extinguisher sold separately.
Do you own any uncomfortable throw pillows? Or would you like to contribute any of your own uncomfortable throw pillow designs? Leave a comment below!